Topic #1: Alcoholic Productivity.

According to dictionary.com,

alcohol is a a colorless, limpid, volatile, flammable, water-miscible liquid, C₂H₅OH, having an etherlike odor and pungent, burning taste, the intoxicating principle of fermented liquors, produced by yeast fermentation of certain carbohydrates, as grains, molasses, starch, or sugar, or obtained synthetically by hydration of ethylene or as a by-product of certain hydrocarbon syntheses: used chiefly as a solvent in the extraction of specific substances, in beverages, medicines, organic synthesis, lotions, tonics, colognes, rubbing compounds, as an automobile radiator antifreeze, and as a rocket fuel.

You can obviously see where the important part of the definition lies, and it's true. It may intoxicate you, slow your motor skills and reaction time, but on the other hand makes you more productive and daring than you would ever care to be sober. Here are examples:

• Cleaning - This is probably the most useful drunken skill of them all, for it results in the ability to have a lazy, hungover day-after. The more drunk you are, the more you tend to itch to clean someone else's dishes, the more likely you are to get in the shower, clean your room, or even dust-buster the doorframe. Recently, a good friend of mine cleaned my roommates room in entirety, from hanging up clothes to straightening the bed and the rugs, to tidying her make-up and putting away her belts and shoes, all without her asking or even being aware of the situation. She awoke the next morning to find even her stuffed animal had been neatly put away on a hanger in the closet. Impeccable!
• Singing - Rum will teach you that being shy is overrated! Why sit in the corner when you could be on stage singing kareoke to a song you barely know? Or sticking half-way out of the moonroof of the car belting out incorrect lyrics to songs on the radio? For this, I have a personal example. I am not a singer, nor do I claim to be, but after drinking myself into oblivion, I got a perfect score on Kareoke Revolution, a video game that scores your timing and pitch of certain songs. 100%, can't get any better than that.
• Exercising - You don't go to the gym? Well good news! You don't need to! Get drunk enough and you will jog the nine miles home from the club to make yourself a bowl of cereal! You'll decide to go on a 3AM run (with little to no clothing)! Your 90-lb-female self will discover that you can give your school's linebacker a piggy back ride for a good distance! You will do a naked lap around the house after losing in beer pong! You just might have a push-up contest with all of your bros, or attempt to do pull ups from your shower bar! You will army crawl the remaining 100 feet to your bed! You will have blackout sex for hours! You will play baseball with a roll of toilet paper in your living room and dive towards the bases! You will do backflips on your friend's bed until you puke! You will frequently carry your friends for no apparent reason! You will wake up sore as hell and you can be proud that you managed to fit a healthy lifestyle between shots and beer bongs.
• Dancing - Can't dance? News flash, anyone can if they've consumed enough appletinis or vodka on the rocks! Simply grab the nearest person, female or male, straddle their leg and grind. It much resembles the actions of a Chihuahua seeking for attention, but hey, everyone's doing it - don't be ashamed! Grab a leg and join in the humptastic festivities! The other great advantage of alcohol-induced dancing is the expansion of dancing surfaces. Tables, bars, stools, counter-tops and poles all become appropriate and fun dance floors. Get creative and you will be rewarded by waking up with dollar bills in your bra or impressive morningwood!
• Styling - Many times one will wake up in a combination such as stockings underneath bathing suit bottoms, a zebra-print Snuggie and Nike Jordans. The norm of style are pushed to the limit when influenced by alcohol, and it results in imaginative and fantastic outfit combinations. How do you think Vogue comes up with their newest trends? Long-thought processes and research? Hardly. Down a handle of Popov and let the magic happen! If compelled to shave off an eyebrow or pierce your nose, by all means, do it! Embrace your drunken artistry.
• Philosophizing - Deep conversations are a must-have once the 9th beer has been drained. Your parent's divorce, the warmth Christmas time gives you, where you want to be in 10 years, significant others, and endangered species are all common and appropriate topics for drunk and valuable conversation. Another key part in your alcohol-induced genius is the invention of words and phrases! "Malaha" (luau), "Where the Meghan are you?", "Shut your dick," "Double-thumbed by the devil," and many other words and phrases have been coined while under the influence. Your parents worry that alcohol is taking away from your academic experience, but it's actually aiding it!
• Innovating - From creating new dishes to wiring a sound system, any inventiveness you may have is amplified once intoxicated! Turning your bathtub into a fort shows great architectural vision and interior design capabilities. Hanging your iPod and speakers from the ceiling fan shows ingenuity and ability to provide centrally-located music to the whole room. Putting on three pairs of socks and skating across your hardwood floors will save you money - no need to waste gas to go to the ice rink or purchase skate rentals. Turning measuring cups and flower vases into cups will provide more glasses and cups for your guests. Don't underestimate the value of your mind and inventiveness!
• Sexing - Never been laid? Don't fret my pimple-ridden, socially-awkward gremlin! If the person you are eyeing is drunk enough, they won't give a rats ass what you look like or how good you are in bed! That's a good confidence booster for anyone. Creativity is also sky-high for frequent sexers. You will bend in ways you couldn't imagine and create appropriate environments for sex anywhere! Under your bed, check! In the shower, check! On the kitchen table, check! In your neighbors rose bushes, check! You'll wake up with thorns in your ass but a skip in your step!

This list could go on and on, but why ruin the magic of discovery? Opportunities await you my friend. If you ever feel inadequate or unproductive, down that case of beer and let it happen!

Sincerely, Sara.